Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
