Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
And then he peed in my hair
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