I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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