Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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