fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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