Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
