i don't like sucking hair
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize
