i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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