i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
