Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
