did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
