I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize