I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize