I think i sorta joined a cult last night
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I wish life had little blips of pornography
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
