Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
