i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
