textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
