is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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