So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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