I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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