Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
