bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
