I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
As shirtless as possible
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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