Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
