hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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