Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
did i just pee glitter
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
