FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm like, not good at living.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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