my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
