I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
