You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
This house was built for laser tag.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
