Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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