did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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