He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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