Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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