I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
