my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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