It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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