I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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