dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Randomize
