dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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