I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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