Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Randomize
