just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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