I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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