eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
