I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
