I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize