I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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