tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
