1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Randomize
