I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
