Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
