he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
