Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
