i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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