Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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