someone get that fucking seahorse.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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