I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
