It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
