Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
