he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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